Mindset Schmindset

Hello, welcome to this week’s episode of the podcast! How are you!?

Here in Maryland it is starting to look more like spring every day….the weather is getting nicer and it’s so nice to get some time outside.

It’s like a new beginning.  A fresh start. It just feels hopeful in the air. Does it feel that way to you?

So this week, we are going to dig into something you might love or you might be like, egh, I don’t need that.  This is why I titled this episode mindset schmindset.

First let me tell you about my client Jenna. When Jenna came to me she was determined to get promoted, because part of senior leadership and discover why she felt something was missing for her. She wanted validation of her path.

We have worked together 6 months and she sent me some feedback about her experience and I want to share it with you.

“My feelings about my career have completely turned around. I was unhappy, frustrated, burnt out, ready to walk away and through this coaching process….tiny shifts in my mindset…have helped me find my way again, and others have noticed my re-engagement, which certainly says a lot. I now have a work life balance. By “clearing the clutter” and thinking about what makes me happy vs. what I should be doing, I’m spending time on new hobbies and finally getting in touch with my emotions and more importantly, not being afraid of them. I feel like the clutter in my brain of the “what ifs” and the “shoulds” has been cleared and it is so much easier to focus on what I want to do and what makes me happy and fulfilled!I am truly mind blown by my progress over just a few months. Investing in ourselves is so important and this process proves why, not only does it have an impact on you, but on everyone in your life.”

When I talk to my clients, some are super open to the concept of mindset work and how our thoughts and beliefs are connected to our results.

Others, are like ok, yah you do mindset work? Ok, tell me more about the career mapping and the communication skills.

You may want a worksheet or checklist that tells you exactly how to get your results through your actions.

I was just meeting with someone last week and she was like, ok, but what are the tips?

Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

It’s more than that though.  So much more.

It sounds like foofoo woo type work, like we are in the  matrix when I say your thoughts are connected to your results.

I’m married to a scientist and have clients with validation or engineering backgrounds and they especially, are like, what is the data, where is my checklist?  Let me read a journal article. Laugh.

There is definitely some merit to that. For sure.

But, let me tell you, your thoughts 100% are important and contributing to the results you have right now.

There is a concept I teach to help my clients grasp the disconnect between your authentic real self and the version of you that has been shaped by your experiences, your parents, society.

When you are born, you are this perfect little baby that believes you can do anything.  It’s why they say children are so fearless and have no filter, they haven’t been taught yet to have one.

So as a baby or a toddler, you cry when you need something, you stumble into things, make mistakes, try to talk and do things you haven’t done before without worrying.  There are things you’re drawn to, and you’re not thinking about if it’s possible. You’re just thinking, I like fire trucks. Ha ha.

But as you grow, you’re slowly or sometimes quickly, being told what is right and what is wrong about you, about life, about what’s possible in the world.

So a simple example is lets say you’re told girls don’t act like that. What message is that telling a little 3 year old girl? That there are right and wrong ways for girls to act.  Or for boys, if you’re told, toughen up, it’s a message that boys need to be tough.

These are simple examples.

Now think of the ways that your family has talked about money, how much is available, who it is available for, is it hard to earn? Is it easy? Is there enough?

This shapes your money beliefs.

What you see in relationships as you grow up tell you what is acceptable and what isn’t.

You get these “should” put on you.

Like you should get A’s in school.

You should be nicer.

You should work harder.

You should have a good job.

You should be reliable.

You should earn enough money but not too much money.

You should want a certain type of marriage.

These seem harmless, maybe well intended parents sharing their wisdom.

But the problem is, is that “should” is damaging because it implies that we are wrong. Either we are wrong or we were wrong or are going to be wrong.

But all of these little things shape our beliefs, and our beliefs can become so engrained in our thinking that we don’t even know we believe them but they are shaping the way we approach the world, the way we think about what is possible for us. 

I grew up with a single parent, without a lot of money, I started working when I was a teenager and since I got a job, I bought a lot of my own school clothes and supplies. I moved out of my family home when I was 17 and have been on my own ever since.

Growing up money was something hard to come by.  You wanted to have a good job with benefits and if you had that, you were successful.  Liking or loving your job was not a priority.

I’m being really simple with this example.  So, when you grow up without excess money and struggling with bills, paycheck to paycheck, I had the belief, that I needed to have a secure job and paycheck and that was all I should want. See that should there again.

I built a very successful career, but I had a hard time doing things on my own, that were not part of a straight and narrow path because I thought this wasn’t for me, this is for other people. Other people build businesses, make their own money, do their own thing. I shouldn’t want that because I have great benefits, great salary, a great job, who am I to want something more.

So there is a bit more that played into my beliefs on this but this is a simple example of how my family experience with money shaped my beliefs about money even when I wasn’t in the same situation.

Another example, is my mother was very consumed with her appearance, someone who was reading the lady’s digest, trying the water pills, doing the soup diets, and sought validation from others.  I grew up with this as a norm. So I was praised for my body at times, I was praised for having boyfriends and male attention.  This is what I was taught gave value in addition to of course other things.

So, this left me growing up seeking validation from others for my choices.

So sneaky.

Ok, so I’ve since overcome all of these things.  I did that by understanding how my thoughts were creating my results.

So even though I was a high performer, married, picket fence, money, big house, all of the things, I wasn’t happy and you know why?

Because I did all of the things I should do.

I didn’t give much thought to what I wanted to do.

This is something I see with a lot of my clients.

I’ve talked to many people who have said they never intentionally chose their career.

They just fell into it like it happened.

They started with getting a job, got good at it, got promoted, went to school, earned advanced degrees, and followed the path that made sense, the practical one they should.

Then they realize, often after years of building their career, with a family of their own, that they don’t love what they do, and they aren’t sure what they need to do next.

I ask them if they’ve chosen their career, how they got into it.

When they realize they never chose it intentionally, it’s like a light bulb goes off.

It’s the beginning of a beautiful conversation about reflecting on how that happened and what could be different.

So this could be you or maybe you did choose your career.

Let’s say you chose your career, you like it well enough, and you don’t resonate with any sort of childhood experiences that you think shaped you today.

First I would say, not possible. Good or bad your experiences shaped you today.  You have beliefs some conscious some not, that guide you in your decision making.

We have something like 60,000 thoughts a day.

80% of those thoughts are negative.

Where do those thoughts come from?

Moreso, which are coming to the front of your thought scroll in your mind vs. layered deep beneath?

Your brain has 3 motivations: avoid pain, seek pleasure, keep things efficient.

Those motivations are based on your beliefs.

So if you’ve had experiences that have caused you pain, which as a human is pretty much guaranteed, your brain is using that data to prevent you from being in any situation that is even close to that one.

Your brain also can’t tell variants in danger.  So if you had a traumatic experience where you were hurt in some way, anything that resembles that at all, will set off all your red flags and you will likely not make decisions or do things now, even if they are good for you.

There is a model I use with my clients to help them understand this and how it applies to them.

We take your beliefs, I help you figure out what they are and which are helping and which are hurting you, you learn how to connect those beliefs and thoughts to your feelings and your actions or inactions.

Once you have this awareness, I teach you how to do this work yourself.

So you can manipulate your thoughts, know which to keep, which to rewire, and how to create the results you want.

You have to have this awareness though.

So if you find yourself unhappy, stressed, having the same results over and over, beating yourself up, you have beliefs that are contributing to that.

Giving you a checklist of take a walk, get some vitamin D, here are some communication tips, are not going to be effective and addressing the root cause.

We need to peel back that onion of you, and get to know you at a level you probably never have.

Like I said in the beginning, you were once a baby that felt a world of possibility and along the way, the experiences and people in your life have told you what you should want, what’s ok and what’s not, and again it isn’t always through words, sometimes it’s through behavior.

So after years and years of this, when you find yourself unfulfilled or not getting the results you want, we have to reconnect you to that version of you that isn’t so guarded by these experiences and beliefs you’ve created.

We need to uncover which beliefs are helpful to where you are now and which you can let go of.

Because the beliefs you have, good or bad are there for a reason. They are serving you, protecting, helping you in some way.

But like I said, some may not be needed anymore or your brain may be believing them because of a prior experience that is no longer relevant.

This work is so important.  My clients say they find this mind blowing, transformational, and provides them the tools to see their lives differently and achieve anything they want.

If you want to dig deeper on this and really understand yourself better, know what beliefs you have that are holding you back and create the ability to achieve anything in your life, including knowing your ideal career path, I invite you to work with me.

There are a couple of ways to do this.

First, you can apply to work with me 1-1. To do this, head over to my website at www.melissamlawrence.com/apply and you can complete a brief application and I will reach out to you to determine if we are a good fit and get you slotted in for my next spot available.

Second, I have an incredible new program launching the end of this month, The Career Passion Project. This is a 6 month group coaching program where we will not only discover your ideal career and create a plan to make it a reality, but we have a whole section on mindset blocks so you can understand yourself and your beliefs better and I teach you the concepts and model that I talked about in this episode. We also cover communication skills and some of those tangibles for you looking for those checklists and practical “how-to” guides. You can learn more about this program through my website. I will put a link in the shownotes.  The applications for this small group intensive open March 29^th and we get to work with our first call the week of May 24^th.  I can’t wait to invite you in to this new offering.

Alright, that is all for this week’s episode. Have a wonderful week!