Working with a Misogynist

This topic is sensitive.

You might have a lot of feelings about it.

Feelings of anger, of shame, of “heck yes girl!” or you may disagree with me 100%.

There is inequality between men and women at work for a reason.

I’m going to talk about it and get real here. I’m going to share what it was like for me to report to a man who I believed to be a misogynist and how I handled it.

What you’ll walk away from today isn’t just some action steps if you ever find yourself in this position but if you find yourself here, I want you to know you’re not alone.

That I totally get that inclusion strategies and HR open door policies don’t always solve the problem.

Before we dig deep into this topic, listen to this.  In my home we celebrate Christmas and we have a pretty extensive Christmas village. This is a tradition that my wife’s family has had for years and so it’s something we have incorporated into our home.  When my mom learned of this she thoughtfully wanted to send us a piece to add.  I loved the symbolism of this gesture, combining our 2 families.

Anyway, she is in another State so she mailed me the little toy village to us.  When I opened the box it was surrounded by these 1950s and 60s magazine  They were like the US weekly of that time, movie star news and the latest diet trend.

I used to love a good US weekly so I was so excited.  Come to learn she just used them as packing material – but to me, those were a real gift!

Looking at this magazine, the October 1960 edition of Movie Life the cover reads “Liz: Sexy 2 page pinup / Troy’s life in pictures”  Bardot or Stevens: Who will win Steve Boyd’s Love? Almost every page has an objectifying women ad. Like this one: 

Cinderella Contest: “Things may have changed since those Cinderella days but let’s face it, when it comes to getting a guy, it’s still important how you look. That’s why we are sponsoring a win a pair of shoes for every day of the week contest”

“Vanish your waste line corsettes.

Kill the hair root and get rid of unsightly hair

New eye glamor artificial lashes

Hollywood model reveals bust development secrets!

All of those ads were on the same page.

Look Slimmer, Feel Better better with new amazing tummy slim!

Reduce your measurements and look like a model.

Then let’s talk about the pinup – Liz Taylor in a swimsuit with her measurements of her chest, waste, and hips, weight and height promptly displayed.

Every page had something about how women should change themselves and aren’t good enough. Something to make them more desirable to men, because let’s face it, looks matter was the actual message.

An ad targeted to men reads “MEN! Join my $100 a week club”

Or a cover story on a desired playboy and all the women vying for his attention.

Then you have a large ad with a woman looking sultry and the same woman in conservative clothing in the kitchen with the caption “Sinner or Saint?!”

Talk about conflicting.

So you can glean from the ads alone that men made money, were the bosses, their looks don’t matter, and the women’s job is to be impossibly perfect and beautiful, only caring about her home and being a sinner in the bedroom and a saint in the streets.

Add in that when this magazine was published women couldn’t even get a bank account without their husbands.  That wasn’t until the 70s.

So what is my point with all this? It’s to say, no wonder.

We still have some colleagues that grew up in this generation.

They have children who tried to raise their children with this mindset.

So we are going to run into people with misogynist viewpoints.

What makes this tricky is there are those that know they are a misogynist and those that don’t.

I have worked with many well-intended colleagues, who are blind to their views.

It’s called implicit bias.

It’s so engrained in your beliefs and experiences that you don’t see it.

So when there are surface level inclusion programs and management promising to be inclusive, if the work stops there, awareness, it isn’t going to touch the real problem.

There also tends to be an older generation in executive level roles, and those tend to be the ones that opt out of required trainings or really doing the work, which also doesn’t help the problem.

So how did this show up for me and why does it matter?

I wanted to have a real conversation on this. 

Some coaches may tell you that you are holding yourself back and staying a victim. I do think that mindset and self-sabotage, imposter syndrome, and confidence can play a role.

I am not saying to be clear, the only reason you aren’t where you want to be is because of misogynists.

I’m simply saying, let’s really acknowledge it instead of trying to pretend it doesn’t exist anymore.

I’ve had a boss say and do things like:

Talk about how a woman looks, objectifying her and making comments on her body.

Say his wife was his “trophy wife”

Talk over me in meetings

Take my ideas and claim them as his own

Comment on my mood in a group setting and reference time of the month

Suggest me and another female co-worker go fight it out in the bathroom and who he’d bet on 

Look women leaders up and down as they are speaking

Call out female colleagues and CC other men on the team in emails

While also claiming to be inclusive and supportive of equality

If you look at any of these instances individually, how would they stand.

If you go to HR or your boss and say, oh I saw Bob look me or Becky up and down.

Or Jack referred to his wife as a trophy wife and that made me uncomfortable

Or John suggested me and my female colleague go fight while he watch and place bets.

Randy talked over me in a meeting.

Dave continues to claim my ideas as his own.

This is likely how it plays out – 

How do you know Bob looked you and Becky up and down?

It sounds like you’re being sensitive about how Jack refers to his wife

John was just joking, has he ever actually said anything explicit or done anything to you physically?

Are you being assertive with Randy? It sounds like you have a communication issue.

Your idea was probably not right at the time. How do you know he was taking your ideas?

These little things can be called Micro aggressions.  They are small, but significant acts that contribute to your work culture, to your feelings of belonging at work, and can even create a hostile work environment.

So what do you do?

Here were my phases of coping and dealing:

I first questioned myself.  Did I hear that right? Did I see that right?

I then started making notes of it.

Being the high performer I was, I tried to address it myself.

I pulled a Kamala Harris “I am speaking” in meetings

I met 1-1 and shared my concerns.

I escalated it.

I also looked for another job frequently because I needed a healthier work environment.

What was the result?

I wasn’t the target much anymore.

Things got a little better.

I was also labeled a bit as a trouble maker – in that we can’t pick on her, she’ll speak up.

He eventually went to a role at a different site and no longer was a manager of people.

Was this a strategic move because of the issues or his choice?

Not sure.  If I had to guess, it would be the latter.

There are also women who don’t believe that there is an issue with men and women equality or that believe you just have to play the game.

I’ve had meetings with female senior leaders who told me they have never experienced discrimination or different treatment because they were a woman.

She was in denial.  I have seen her be treated and talked to about differently, calling out her female tendencies.  She was also in the camp that women need to be strong, not apologize, and take up their space.

I’ve worked with women who think the groups that work to advance women in the workplace are filled with whiny women who are victimizing themselves and need to instead just work harder.

Yep.  I led, quite successfully, a network of women resource group where over 85% of members earned a new opportunity or promotion.  We worked to diversify candidate pools and require open positions consider at least 1 qualified woman.  

I recently talked to one of the women who believed women who fought for equal rights were playing victim, and she said, I used to think that but then I saw it.  I was treated differently.  I saw men get the role over other women.  Now I want to learn how to overcome it.

I’ve also seen well-intended and celebrated Women’s Leadership programs where they talk about appearance, changing your hair, tone, and demeaner to advance.  Note there was not a leadership program for men or one that talked about this content for anyone else, only women.

I was told directly, you don’t want to be in that program, you’ll be offended—-it’s like those 1950s magazines, reinforcing stereotypes.

So what is my solution.

On the organization level, we need all levels to be accountable, to do the work, and to really work and acknowledge that this is real.  We need to have a psychologically safe culture when employees speak up, they are taken seriously and not dismissed.  We need to stop having tokens of diversity and inclusion representation.  Where a handful of people are responsible for advancing the culture and the leadership just signs off and opts out, unless they are one of the selected faces.  We need to be curious and try to understand and learn from others.

What can you do if you find yourself working with or for a misogynist?

Stand up for yourself.

Advocate for yourself.

If someone is talking over you, don’t let them silence you.

If someone takes your idea you can say something like “I’m glad you agree Jack”

If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable or does something that makes you uncomfortable, say something.

When we let people minimize us, silence us, and we tell ourselves it’s ok, we reinforce that our value is less than. That this is how it works, but that isn’t true.

We will change the world by being the change.

We can’t wait for those that have biases, unconscious or conscious, continue to be the loudest voice in the room.

They aren’t going to silence themselves.

We have to rise up and silence them.

You have talent and a voice. Your ideas are worth listening to.

They may be holding on to those magazines as the good old days, but that isn’t our reality.  It may be theirs, but it isn’t ours.

Take up your space, sit at the table, let them talk about you.  Let them find you annoying or problematic.

You aren’t.  That perspective is the same one that lives in the glory of those magazines, it isn’t relevant.

If this is something you’re struggling with, reach out to me. You can schedule a call at www.melissamlawrence.com.

Talk soon my friends.